The Cave of Tempests

Behind the DIY emporium, fashioned in a big metal box, squeezed between the lifestyle/objet d’art shop and a cash and carry that looked like it only sold bulk bags of dog biscuits, the Cave of Tempests seemed somewhat forbidding.

Blacked out windows gave no hint, and the double height steel doors, rivets, bolts, plating and all, seemed intent on keeping people inside in and people outside out. Across the hoarding above, where most shops boasted their name and associated logo in multicoloured fantasy, the Cave depicted a fallen tree in grayscale alone, lying broken and stripped of leaves.

An intercom, with speaking receptor slots and a range of grimy and worn steel buttons, the numbers mostly worn away and indecipherable, was bolted on to the wall nearby at a slight angle. Some wires hung loose.

Bzzzzz, Hello, Er yes Hi, I’d like to rent a storm please.

Pause, OK, come in, Bzzzz went the electric lock. The doors creaked open just enough to allow entry.

Inside, the light was not light, the dark was dark. A series of shelves and cubby holes, cubby holes? Compartments, lined the walls. Things hung out of the darkened compartments and along the shelves cups and saucers were deranged in disarray.

Keep the noise down will you? The animals are sleeping.

Whispering, I’ve come to rent a storm. I’m not sure exactly what kind at the moment. I am having a party for some close friends and thought it would be cool to organise some thunder and lightning, do you have anything in that line.

Well, said the disembodied voice, out a corner where the shadows thickened into black, We have range of storms here, some of which may suit.

We have Typhoons, a Hurricane and a Tornado which, incidentally, has a little damage, we are in the process of restitching. The Blizzard has had several good reviews but catching it by the tail can prove a bit of a chore. I suggest you try our most popular product, the Storm in a Teacup. Easy to transport and simple to use, it comes with a user-friendly assembly manual with full guarantees and insurance inclusive. Also, you can choose your own accompanying crockery from our extensive collection which give you an opportunity to personalise the event.

Its stormy profile contains a minimum of seventeen, medium sized, lightning strikes with accompanying thunder bolts. It is recommended for household use as it is well contained and rarely bothers the neighbours, whilst providing an impressive stormy atmosphere which will impress the most blasé guest.

Of course there are other options, Our Raining Cats and Dogs option is very popular with pet owners but comes with a warning, there is always a lot of cleaning up to do in the aftermath. The cats and dogs themselves need to be cared for, fed and watered before and after the event. A vet is always in attendance as the well-being of our animals is paramount. An observer from the society for the protection of cruelty to animals is always invited to adjoin, although they are sometimes busy with donkeys. We can provide a large selection of cats and dogs, but customers are welcome to include family pets if they are well trained and not a danger to the public. Muzzles and pet carriers are available to hire at a very reasonable cost.

If you would like to peruse our selection of crockery and pets you are most welcome.

The customer wander the shelves and compartments. Each compartment held a dog or cat or cats all sleeping soundly, their paws and or tails hanging down and twitching slightly in cahoots with their dreams. The crockery, refugee from the charity shops of the region, lay in disorganised groups, whilst saucers teetered.

It does sound a bit diminutive though don’t you think, said the customer, A Storm in a Teacup. No, I think I’ll go for the full Hurry Cane to impress.

You do realise that your house insurance is null and void with the Hurry Cane, It doesn’t really do limitations? It cannot be considered an act of Coincidence if you bring it upon yourself and damage to property is inevitable.

Sure, I’ll cross or burn that bridge when I come to it.

You live on a bridge?

No, no, you’ve got the wrong end of the sentence.

Under a bridge then, do you know the Troll?

I know of the Troll, but I have not had the pleasure. Back to the business in hand.

No, no, you can’t carry it in your hand. The Harry Kane comes in a ceramic container, which has to be lowered onto your front garden by crane. It’s up to you when to unlock the hatch, it has a combination lock, we supply the code.

So how much is the Hurry Kane? I should like to have it available all week. Does it just peter out when its spent or does one have to wrangle it back into the jar.

Who is Peter? No, never mind, I’m having trouble with sentences today. Ok, yes, let me just…oh yes, the weekly rate is twenty, but we do have a special offer on at the moment, you could take it for two weeks for only twenty-five if that’s helpful.

OK, I’ll take the two weeks at twenty-five. Can you deliver it tomorrow.

12 pm ok for you, great, let me get some face recognition and finger print details, paying by cardboard?