The Last Inn of Warm Beer

People come on bicycles from miles around, said the woman behind the bar, Nobody serves a proper warm beer like we do.

The Blue Knight bought a lemonade and a packet of salty things.

Do you want your lemonade warmed up dear? Said the bar lady, I can pop it in the microwave for you, or use the traditional red-hot poker to mull over your misdeeds?

No thanks, I’m fine, said the BK, and moved across the mirrored room to sit, face down, in a darkened corner where the Four of Diamonds was nursing a distant relative who wasn’t feeling up to it.

Can you help me? asked the BK, I’m trying to get through the Forest of Frightened Trees.

Only if you keep your voice down, said the Diamond, if they hear you, we’ll be rejected into the street.  If you are to pass through the Fearful Forest, you will need more than that suit of armour. I would suggest carrying a lighted torch or a chainsaw. It’s the only language that those trees understand.

Surely that will only enrage the Frightening Forest, said the BK, shouldn’t I at least try and proffer the branch of conciliation? A trunk of delights or a twig of olives.

Many have tried, continued the 4 of Ds, They entered into the forest with fine intentions, marched in with gifts and invitations to a ball. Only to be ejected with a scary look in their eye, scared of what, they would never say under oath. I personally believe that the trees are troubled about air pollution, jingoism and pay inequality. They take their revenge on unwary travelers by scaring the living lights out them.

The ejected travellers say, when they have come out of the woods, that in the wood by the tree, next to the other tree, stands a tree which is bigger than the rest. It is so big that if you tried to hug it, your fingers would reach only a little way around the rough bark. If you ask the tree next to the big tree, Which is the biggest tree in the frightful forest? It will raise a crooked twig with a small leaf on the end to point at the biggest tree, which is so big that if you wanted to walk around it you might disappear for a minute or three. This tree you cannot pass.

They also say, in the darkness between the trees, there are other trees there that may not be as big as the biggest tree, but are none the less quite substantial. The light cannot shine between the trees as there is no room. The rain that falls on the high canopy of the forest is lost forever. In the mist that rises from the forest in the morning are the calls of birds, trapped and echoing. This tree you cannot pass.

I have heard them say these things, said the 4 of diamonds, but I don’t. Will you still go?

I must go, I shall go past that tree, said the Blue Knight, I shall carry my burden of sadness and in the darkness, I shall follow the sounds of birds.

Great plan, said the 4 of D’s, good luck with that. Tell me now of the sadness, which is the object of your incineration. Would it not be possible to drown it in warm beer, or are you concerned about ramifications and hangovers?

I do not drink alcoholics, said the BK, I have been advised by a professional Sadness Diffuser that incineration in the dread fires of Mount Fume is the only option. To go to there, I must pass the Fearful Forest.

I shall accompany you if you wish it, as I can see that you have very little experience in these. What say you?

That would be very kind, said the BK.

He finished his lemonade and pack of salty, then they went out.