The Spear left the window of the chateau at high speed, the Christmas bells still registering on its sensory equipment, and checked its internal settings. It took GPS and fingerprint recognition readings so that it might return, having fulfilled its tasks, to the hand from which it had been launched. Next, the Burning Spear reviewed the settings on its various parameter regulators and was satisfied to discover that although the range had been set to maximum, the evil quotient was set at 77, quite high. The Burning Spear should expect an outing of light duties, only engaging with the most evil, despicable, and overtly cruel of targets.
The Spear passed over some wooded areas at a supersonic speed, quartering the action zone as per programme, until it came to a castle with a group of armoured Knights battling furiously in front of the portcullis. One had already fallen into the moat with a dented helm. The Spear descended and settled between the two battling groups with its butt upon the ground, its metaphorical hands on hips. It decided to broadcast a short message at a level audible to humans with helmets on.
Now, who started this? It said.
The melee stopped and one knight in rusty armour came forwards to parley. They did, we were just minding our own when they attacked us, anyway what’s it got to do with you.
Well, said the Spear, as it happens, I been tasked with the destruction of anyone exhibiting over 77 points on the evil scale. And I suspect that whoever started this may well qualify.
Is the act of fighting essentially evil then? Well, yes, it’s certainly not a good thing to do, somebody might get hurt. Even if it is in defence of something or someone innocent or important? Well, I suppose not, but you might go too far. So, let me get this straight, if, say, a stranger tried to hit my favourite goat with an instrument of aggression, then I may repel said stranger but if I go too far and do more than prevent, then I become an evil and will be extinguished by yourself. Well, said the Spear thoughtfully, when you put it like that it sounds silly. Anyway, I am not currently set at that level, I am more interested in actual bona fide cruel, aggressive or oppressive types on this current run, although I give no guarantee that I might not return at a later date on a different setting and then things might end very differently.
Well, that is a comfort, the Knight continued, we are just defending our castle and all those within from this, The Knight pointed at the opposing group of Knights, possibly evil, bunch of attackers who have come causing trouble. The Spear turned its attention to the attacking group. So, you were attacking these nice Knights were you? What have you got to say for yourselves.
A Knight in dented armour came forwards and spoke. We were just following orders, our Lord told us to come to this castle and carry away as much gold and jewels as possible. He is keen to take his family on holiday and can’t, as things stand, afford to go. Times are hard. His children have been suffering during the lockdown and he feels that a change of scenery would do them all the world of good. I see, said the Spear, and was he aware that people might get injured during this endeavor? He did say that we should do our level best to keep casualties to a minimum. Could he not come himself and ask for a loan of some gold? No, he has trouble travelling and fighting as he only has one leg. Who did this to him? Asked the Spear, I shall run them through. It was a riding accident actually. Oh, well, none of you seem to qualify for liquidation at the moment so I shall be on my way.
The Spear leapt into the air and continued its search pattern. The Knights got back to fighting.
The Spear, concentrating hard at being sharp and on mission forgot to watch where it was going. It hit a tree branch and saw stars. Its father board blinked off, then on again, and all its dials went crazy, whizzing this way and that in disorderly conduct. When the parameters had reset, it reviewed its revised mission and discovered that it should be searching for sauces made with tomatoes or a vase with withered flowers, perhaps a side of salad and some croutons. It should look in the shade of a wonderful tree, by the riverside in high summer, it would all be in the basket, oh, I forgot the relish, that’s a shame I made it specially.
The Spear shook itself to get clarity and saw a fish climbing a tree with a basket of fruit.
The Spear shook itself again and saw two Bakelite telephones perched on a wall ringing to each other endlessly. The Spear became concerned that nobody was answering, so it went. Hello, who is there, its me the Burning Spear, Oh I’m glad I caught you before you went out. I was wondering if I could borrow a paint brush, I left mine out last night without cleaning it. I don’t have a paint brush, said the Burning Spear. Oh, come now, I’ve seen several lying around at your place. The Spear shook its shaft, this telephone is ancient, it said, looking into the mouthpiece, I’m not sure if it is ancient or hasn’t been invented yet, by the way, your name again, what do you mean, you called me, I think that they call me the Burning Spear, unusual, I thought that you were my next door neighbour, the man downstairs, the woman in the shop on the corner between the post office and the toll both, who sells us that really aromatic ground coffee that you like. I think we’re running out by the way. I’ll go round later, make a list, there might be some other things, some more paper, I’ve used the last sheet, perhaps some ink or any dark liquid really, can you really write with blood? I think it’s just a novel thing to get all dramery, that’s not a word, do you mean dramatic, yes, theatrical, morbid, dark, you know. Anyway, I’ll call you later.
The Burning Spear put down the phone. Out of coffee eh, this could be serious. Flying low now and then it wasn’t and fell down on the floor, grassy, swoon. I will just rest awhile till the world straightens up or out, shut down.
The Guardians of the Cave 