The Can Opener

The Blue knight had invented a massive can opener by mistake.

Not an opener for massive cans but a can opener of massive proportions.

In his never-ending quest to write engaging stories that might send the children to bed in a positive frame, he had, whilst rummaging through the endless boxes of wires and indiscriminate technology under his workshop bench, found a need for suspense.

How can I create a sense of drama and impending doom that will enthral my listeners and hold them in the palm of my narrative? He thought out loud to those that might hear, of which there were exactly none.

Taking a ring pull can from the storage dept, he stripped off and removed the label from the can to heighten the jeopardy. It did not come off in one satisfying piece, so needs must apply several cleaning agents, before scratching it, scrap by scrap with his gauntlet, off, doing his best not to impair the shining surface. He then pulled the pull ring itself into an upright position. See Fig B. As if preparing to make a meal of it.

Next, taking three broken lances that he had once found in a clearing, he tied them into a tripod shape as tall as two men, one on the other’s shoulder. Using a hook and tackle, see Diagram 6, he then suspended the can from a stout rope in the centre. See Fig A.

He took off his gauntlets and massaged his fingers, then he put his safety gauntlets back on. See diagram and timeline in section 4.

I shall need safety goggles and ear protectors to prevent.

Having exhausted his creativity for the day he spent the afternoon painting the lances a light colour and then realised that he could no more continue with his endeavour as the paint was wet but surely enhanced.

Returning the next, early, he touched the dry paint, just to be sure and then walked around the tripod.

If I suspend many and often items from the can, eventually the weight of said will cause the ripping and the canned fruit or pulverised tomatoes to spill. But, and here comes the suspense, nobody human will be able to predict the very moment of rippage. As each weight is made attach the suspense and impending, will grow and burgeon, until the suspended drama is unbearably imminent and we shall all laugh in anticipation. Perhaps I require an audience.

Scouting the muddy lanes, he ventured into the market below the castle walls, where you buy anything, from a butternut sprout to second hand video fruit. Climbing up upon a convenient, he called out the attention of the passing.

Does anyone want to come and witness the suspense of a lifetime, it is free at the point of use?

They all put down their baskets of leafy spices and audio games and followed the Blue knight into the auditorium, where he had arranged flowers around the base of the suspension tripod.

What is in the can? called an audience, It has been divested of its label of contents, cooking suggestion and sell by date. Is it a can of worms? Containing all the skeletal cupboard contents of a guilty party or some creamed rice?

What’s in it for me? called another.

The Blue Knight, who had been fusing with the flowers at the base of the apparatus, stopped mid fuss and turned to face his invitees.

Isn’t that just the perfect saying for our times, he said. Not, is it beautiful or exciting or interesting or will it have a beneficial outcome for us all and further our dearest project, no, but, What’s in it for me? I nearly give up quite often

If you wish to witness, he continued please keep your shellfish nature aside, I cannot abide.

With the muttering of the audience at his back he attached by wire and preprepared hook, a heavy lump hammer from the can, and steadied the rope above.

Next, he took a white cabbage in a plastic bag and adjoined that to the can; next in fairly quick sequence, a teapot, three blind mice made of sugar paste, a ramakin and two packets of arborio rice, a piece.

The rope above the can became quite straight and straining.

What’s in it for me, muttered the Blue Knight, give me a break.

Turning to the audience he asked, will the ring pull rip soon?

Yes yes, cried the audience, surely it cannot hold.

The BK hung a plastic model in the form of a spaceship and a small bulb of garlic? Always add garlic, he said.

The audience was now sitting on the edges of their seats; it seemed impossible that the ring pull could last out any further.

The BK hung a sock and a pearl necklace, the audience held its collective breath. He hung a book of matches and a universal adapter. I think we should leave it there he said. No! cried the audience, the suspense is intense, you must complete our journey.

Just, the auditorium lights flickered in an unsettling attitude.

What shall I add? asked the BK, A cotton wool bud or a toy car.

Many and various shouts emanated from the lively crowd.

Make it fall, they said, satisfy our intention.

Carefully, the Bk mounted the toy car on to. Turning to the crowd, See, he said, we are still in with a shout.

Just at that moment, the lights went out and there was a great crash.