First and foremost, some rules to live and play by.
No biting, hair pulling or oriental burns. No flicking with wet towels or ganging up on the smaller ones. False starts will be punishable and running out of your lane or punching below the shield will be frowned upon, then noted down in an important book using red ink and a borrowed ruler. All clothing will be checked for religious fervour and political slogans. Dangly jewellery is discouraged for aesthetic reasons, and hair should be put away when possible, to avoid envious looks.
If your Mother of Father is sitting in the front row, you may go over and give her a hug if she or he gets overwrought.
Pushing and shoving in the tunnel before the whistle has gone may be punished by banishment. This may seem harsh, but standards must be set.
General advice: Keep your cards close to your chest, never let the side down, stand by your man and keep your socks dry.
An exhaustive and exhausting list of the detailed regs and rules are available online at rulesaretheretobebroken.com for those who care.
Please label, in indelible ink, your armour, inside the cuirass and check your sabots for spiders before the start. Chain mail will be issued for all dangerous or percussive contests, three sizes are avail, small, massive and this will do. These outfits carry no guarantees of success, but may prevent bumps and bruises. Pregnant women or men should take extra care and some contests, abseiling and crawling under things, are designated at the owner’s risk. Helmets should be worn at all times, except at breakfast. Excessive plumage, heraldic animals or fierce symbols can be stored in the cloakroom with the cloaks and daggers.
All events will commence at daybreak, regardless of climactic reports. Contestants should be available for interviews at least half an hour before kick-off. I didn’t hear the alarm, it is affecting my mental health, the hamster ate my homework or I’ve got a blister, are not acceptable excuses for tardiness.
We all know that, in these events, there are the Laws and then also The Spirit of the Law.
I have noted a few of the pertinent Laws above, but the Spirit of the Law must be consulted separately and in your own time, as she can be capricious and extremely verbose. Whole afternoons have been wasted at her booth trying to finesse the finer points of game play, when I could have been at the seaside eating ice cream. You’ve been warned. I suggest crossing her palm with silver if you require a cogent or succinct answer.
Other than that, have a great time and most of all, try to enjoy yourself. We can’t all be winners, but then again maybe we already are, I mean what are the odds of your self-consciousness coalescing in your particular swirl of matter/ energy in such a way that you can contemplate the wonder of our universe. But I digress, taking part is the highest accolade and winning will be a heavy burden, as it will be incumbent upon the triumphant one to persuade the Moral Compass that We, that is us humans, are worth the candle we are written on.
If you need me, I’ll be in my office. The door is always locked, knock if you have to, I may or may not answer as I have a raft of issues to resolve. Be warned, I never answer emails or texts. I shall leave this stack of rule books by the exit, please take one as you pass out and in future try not to drink so much alcohol.
I now hand you over to the head prefect, none other than the legendary Sphinx, she may not be even pawed in her judgement, but believe you me, you don’t argue with the Sphinx. Those who have been so foolish as to try have been found slumped in the corner muttering, Will someone please shut her up.
Thank you Mr Blue Knight, for this and all your hard work organising this competition. Said the Sphinx, I think a round of applause is in order.
A smattering of applause echoed around the arena. A few abstaining.
I have taken charge of your contest choices and arranged the first heats, continued the Sphinx, I am afraid that some of you may be disappointed as its seems that every single contestant wanted to take part in the egg and spoon race. The three-legged race was also oversubscribed. I have posted the details of your individual contest schedules and the times thereof on the notice board.
One point I should mention that may be of especial interest to the synchronised swimmers, rhythmic gymnasts and landscape artists, It has been argued, in some corners, that these events are not real sports. Well, said the Sphinx eyeing the crowd with a Paddington hard stare, I have decided that they are equal in every way to rock climbing, the big jump, dive bombing and running faster than the wind, so those of you who whine about this, suck it up or beware.
The grand parade will be starting at sunset in the main stadium where a flame will be lit. This flame, ignited in ancient Greece last week, represents the The Word, look it up. I was there. Just using the word in the title of your online platform is obviously covering a multitude of sins.
Please process in order of height, discounting helmet plumes and proceed around the stadium in a cheerful fashion to allay the fears of the crowded crowds.
The contestants, resplendent in their colourful armoured sportswear, dispersed to the various pavilions where trenchers of muesli had been provided to keep up their spirits. Then it was straight into fancy dress for the warmup session.
The Guardians of the Cave 