They took the Spider Crab landing crafty, sideways, to the surface of the tiny asteroid/planet to discover.
The planet appeared to be entirely covered in head coverings of every shape, material, colour and cultural significance.
A man, sporting a top up hat, stood in front of a grand mirror, inspecting himself, first this way and then that.
The landing crab scurried, burying its tiny claws in the hat mountains.
The Captain, she Sphinx and some Hoi Poloi exited and made their way over the hat dunes towards the man and the mirror.
Good morning, said the man, not taking his eyes off his enhatted reflection for a second, Do you think I look most admirable in this one? Here he donned a red cap with mysterious letters, or this one, Here he chose a huge straw boater with flowers girded about, intended for spring punting races.
I have no opinion on your sartorial proclivities, said the Captain, But I am nonetheless riveted by your planet, which appears to be entirely obscured by hats.
That is a shame, said the asteroid inhabitant, I am sure that amongst all these hats and sundry head gear, there is one that shows me to the best advantage and will allow me to take my rightful place in the hierarchy of quality personages, admired by all and visited by potentates from miles about.
She Sphinx had gathered a thousand hats together to make a comfortable perch, curling her tail languorously in anticipation of discourse.
May I enquire, She began, Does this mirror have any special qualities? Does it predict the weather or give the viewer insight into the future valuations of golden earings? I once had a mirror that told me that my tail was the most beautiful tail of all, every day.
She Sphinx came over all wistful. Those were the days, she sighed, then shook out the reverie and continued.
Does the mirror reflect the starlight into a lens of exquisite design, that might reveal for us a planet of the goldilocks dimension? Does your mirror have secret curves that might render a short person tall or a dull person sharp? Can it reflect on the unending question of free will or does it believe that Will should be kept behind bars until he has shown some remorse?
The Hat magnate had turned and was looking at she Sphinx with an face of total bewilder. I just want to look finer than the next person, he stammered.
Ah, said she Sphinx, settling to her subject matter, for that I can recommend growing an long and elegant tail. I cannot stress enough the esteem that an impressive tail can command. I once lay in the desert for a three thousand years whilst people from far and wide travelled to marvel at its wonder.
In the interim, the Hoi Poloi had gathered each of them unto a hat and were waiting in a meandering queue, hoping to try them on in front of the mirror.
Pause for a moment and reflect, said she Captain, Am I to understand that you are of the opinion that a hat is the sole signifier of a person’s quality and worth.
You have just described my life’s endeavour, said the man, But a hat is more than just a signifier, a fireman’s hat makes me a fireman and a heiress’s fascinator makes me rich, surely. If you have no new hats to offer, then I must ask you to leave.
Before we depart, said the Captain, I must put you to rights, the worth, quality, shoe size and meaning of an individual are bound in actions and not fashionable head covering characteristics. I’m sorry to upset your apple cart, but the truth, as I can see it, should be said.
I would like you to depart my planet in quick quick time. I have hats to try, said the sad hatter, who then turned away and studied his profile in the mirror.
Consider it done, said the Captain, Come Hoi polio, drop your hats and return to base. We have planets to discover.
The Guardians of the Cave 