What it Cost

Well, hmmm, the provisions alone cost an arm, a leg and sundry assorted body parts, a basket of fruit and a bouquet of flowers for the ailing. Food from tubes was unpopular but essential, not to be muddled with toothpaste. Brushing your teeth with food extruded from a tube in stripes of mashed potato and ketchup is not efficacious.

You may not use mobile phones or calculators. Put them all in the draw and turn the key.

If sending seven rockets into space, with five astropeople in each rocket, costs 2 million gold bars per space suit, how many bottles of oxygen does it take to get to mars orbit, let alone going down to the surface. Please write your answer in indelible ink on a squared paper, showing all your working assumptions, including what you had for breakfast and how many gold bars could you carry away if you were tempted.

The fuel for the rockets and the spaghetti spoons for re catching the spent capsules, cost the same number of dollars, but nobody used dollars anymore as they had shriveled to nothing, so they cancelled each other out of the room. Estimates for moononauts, as life was cheap and life insurance was hard to come by, can be organised. The price of confidence is high, one must hand over the readies, count the pennies, stack them in towers of eleven, ranged in rows looking very pretty but a bit of a push over. One might pay contactless, without being in the same room, online in another country. One might be forced to pay by emotional blackmail, a honey trap or coercion, which is a kind of water heater.

A honey trap consists entirely of a large hole in the ground, which can be dug in half an hour apparently, disguised by a tissue of lies, masquerading, often covered in leaves or discarded snake skins. At the bottom of the hole, a pottery jar of golden honey awaits the intrepid traveller, whose jaws will spasm with the aching sweetness.

The price of rocket fuel has risen, due to inclement weather. I think the tax burden has also risen, poor donkey, and the import duty has really skyrocketed, due to governmental mismanagement, lack of diplomacy and a very rude attitude. The Astronoughts tried to go on strike, but they were overruled by the bullionaires who didn’t know how to dress or comport themselves.

Space suits, on the other hand, can be obtained second hand for very reasonable prices. They don’t always fit very well and need to be scrubbed professionally before use. A thorough check of the knees and elbows is advisable, as they often get damaged during moon walks, its not as easy as it looks. Holes in your space suit are a real no no in space, a liberal application of broad grey tape is often sufficient to bring the used suit back up to spec.

Hats are banned on the moon, as are scarves or gloves, although it can sometimes get quite nippy during the eternal nights.

Of course, the whole Whacky Space Race has cost us our dignity and any chance at inhabiting the high ground. Our sanity is suspect and we can’t buy anymore for love nor, the supply is apparently limited. A dreamer’s market.

We do make a good living selling balloons in times of holiday destinations, but it is hard to find the extra gold to save up for that once in a life time trip into space. Balloons don’t grow on trees and my skills as a space engineer are not buying any favours.

Best search for a buy one, get one see, deal or wait for Pink Wednesday when all the prices are exactly the same as every other day, but stenciled in pink lettering.