In the cafeteria the refectory tables were covered in thin layer of Formica, the pattern mimicking the inside of a tree from Columbia. Wobbly lines of lighter and darker browns with the occasional eddy of a knot, where once a small branch may have emerged. Humans and timber go back a long way, so much so that they have cut most of the forests down, following the route once pioneered by the hairy mammoth.
I shall roll out the detailed directions for plan C, said Catonine, using the salt, pepper, sugar and garam masala, all housed in fluted glass containers with chrome caps of varying design, to pin down the corners, as the Plan wants to remain in a rolly position. We are forced to go from A directly to C as B is not available in the shops.
I am intrigued, said Constance, designate the finer points of this Plan for my pleasure.
Plan C, said Catonine rifling through the rolls of plans, reads thus.
It do say, all modern appliances shall be built in a tower upwards, washine machines, fridges and vacuum cleaners etc, using zip ties and special three-part glue, to effect escape from planet A into space. Scaffolding may be used when absolutely necessary. You lucky humans will wear specially designed footwear that can get a good grip, even on the angled flank of a slick microwave or a slippery air fryer.
Roped together with disravelled fishing nets and garden string, they will climb like crazy as the world turns beneath them, scrambling from bough to bough. They may take only what they can carry in a suitcase, stacking the nice clean clothes neatly and then shoving bits and pieces of electrical gear and rolled socks in the gaps. The suitcase must be able to fit into the measuring box of Simplejet, the budget space race. Notwithstanding, the clothes and shoulder bags that may be slung about the person may be contemplated. There will be no snacks provided unless you sign the contract, water may be sprayed across the passengers in times of stress. Families may not sit together as they make too much noise. Babies and children under the age will be completely ignored.
Once in space all the population will be hoovered up by a remote-control driverless space wagons for the onwards journey to planet X, where the entire population of the earth will spend a wonderful holiday while Planet A is being cleaned and reordered by robotic robot cleaners.
The air will be passed through gargantuan filters, taking out the nitty gritty and reinforcing the oxygen molecules with carbon fibre. The sea will be purified until the fish are really happy and the land will be swept tidy, the sweepings will be used to build a causeway between here and there.
All animals shall be taught to play ludo, so that they don’t get bored while we are away. Jigsaws will be provided for those of a solitary nature.
Where are you going with this, asked the Constance, your Plan C sounds like a desperate attempt to sound like you know what you’re doing, whereas in actual actuality it is a myth and legend much like unto my friend, the wonderous Sphinx.
Clear up, for me, some of the finer points, that I may believe in this plan’s efficacy.
On planet X humans will live under the sea with tubes to breathe and a special skin cream to prevent unsightly wrinkling. The kelp forest shall be our training ground to become mer. With stones upon our stomachs, we can crack open shellfish to sustain life. We will glide on the winds, never touching the ground, eating only clouds and high-flying aphids.
We shall hold our breaths for a thousand years and travel the planet which has no trees so that they cannot be cut down, there we will eat rock and dust. We will make drawings in caves with convenient red chalk.
All the while the earth will regenerate, kittens becoming lions, bottle tops morph into frisbees, goldfish become whales and all that evolution stuff. Greenery everywhere and all looking nice for our triumphant return. Eventually the insects will reinvent the flower.
I see, said Constance, I think that we should keep plan C in the back garden for now and see how we go.
The Guardians of the Cave 