What change is it that you may effect, young Catalyst?
My powers are several, said the Catalyst, from its position high on the curtain rail, holding a cardboard tube, that it saved from the recycling bin several Christmases ago, under its arm.
I can make change, I can cause a cataclysm, I can sail a catamaran or place things on a catafalque and I am fond of a cat nap.
Sorry to interrupt, said Constance, taking a gulp of her beer and wiping her mouth on her sleeve between mouths full of crisps, Does everything that you do have to start with the letters CAT?
No, said the creature, it’s a choice thing, I can do almost anything, but I like to give myself parameters.
What manner of creature are you? Asked Constance.
I am a Catoninetails, she said proudly swishing her tails lavishly.
I didn’t think Catonines had wings, said Constance, you must have a story to tell.
My mother was a Bat and my father was the number Nine, said the creature exercising its rights, You know, Nine lives, Nine tails, that sort of thing, but I’d rather not talk about it.
OK, said Constance, Down to business, how can we change the our stars?
Well, said the catalyst, I could make women twice as tall as men, that would put the lion amongst the parakeets, or I could pave the streets with silver, that would upset the Soup Bowl of Power.
I’ve not encountered the Soup Bowl of Power, what is the Power Soup of the day?
Today we have for you a lovely butter up chowder, which comes with blackened soda bread and a side of micro-organisms gathered off the coast of Iceland. To drink, I would suggest a glass of chilled frothy juice, plenty of rice and a sprig of mint. For your second course I would recommend the chefs speciality, fricassee of broad beams with flippy chips and a side salad of beet tops. With this course, a glass or two of water infused with smoke from the fires of Vesuvius on a Wednesday, and of course our famous Café Gourmand for desert, a hundred minute coffee-based deserts with an espresso on the edge. The brandy bottle is optional.
All sounds delightful, said Constance, But this will butter no parsnips. I like the idea of tall women, but the consequences would be unpredictable. I can foresee massive upset on the basketball court for instance and envelopes should become wider.
If you are looking for predictable, you’ve come to the wrong quarter, said the Catalyst, I’m just a cage rattler, a rug puller and a can of worms opener, an unknown quantity if you will, adding uncertainty to the recipe of now. Would it help if I turned the lights out for a week, the sun is a friend of mine.
OK, interesting call, said C, lets extrapolate. First, everyone would get more sleep, a reduction of stress would result, everyone feels better, and all the aggression would dissipate. In the darkness, small animals would come out from behind and spike the guns, preventing further. The explosive shells would lose their path and go back to the manufacturers. Handheld wind-up torches would be highly sought after and waved in the face of adversity. Power brokers would lose their marbles under the settee and start baying at the moon. All excellent outcomes.
A trifle optimistic, said the Catalyst, I suspect that in reality the best you could hope for is a drop in the temperature. I hesitate to mention it, but have you considered Plan C?
Plan C? said Constance, interest piqued. Does your cardboard tube hold the Blueprints of Plan C?
Yes, I have kept this cardboard tube for six years in my useful things place and now I maintain the Blueprints and the Redprints for Plan C in it, to protect it from the rain and other atmospheric dangers. Let us stop by in this cafeteria, finish our café gourmande and lay the blue prints out upon the formica surfaces.
The Guardians of the Cave 