The Bears Came Over the Mountain

The bears came over, following razor wire in intricate rows. Think security at the airport.

Can I touch it, said Ursa Minor. No dear, it looks pretty but if you touch it it will leave you in pieces, said his mother.

Round here, then round here, now back round here. You are only a skip and a hop from where you started.

Couldn’t we duck underneath, nobody would be the wiser.

No, it’s sharp and tricky, keep to the paths. There may be sharks with lasers.

Have you any liquids bigger than a teaspoon full? Anything over a teaspoon is life threatening.

Any metal tooth fillings, nose piercings or titanium skull plates, body augmentation, bionic limbs or replacement parts?

Stand over there, arms up, pat pat pat, what’s this? My nose, Oh, sorry.

The Bears approached the barrier. Put your paw on the glass, look up for face recognition, look down, no glasses or fashionable hairdos, no scarves, neckties or cravats, halloween masks or balaclavas.

Stand back till you’re called forwards, stand still, raise your chin. Camera goes up, then down, then up again. No hats, woollen or otherwise, sombreros should be left in Mexico, berets in France.

OK, go over there and wait until your precious stuff is delivered by a production line system like a gigantic snake skin.

Did you pack this spotted handkerchief yourself, any sharpened sticks, rocket launchers, mandolins or hatchets?

All I want is a room somewhere, far away from the cold night air, with one enormous chair, Oh wouldn’t it be lovely. (We all sing something like this)

Not until you have passed through security.

Put your life in this grey tray on the rollers which rises from the depths, any electrical gadgetry should be silenced. Don’t argue, I don’t have the time, didn’t you see the posters and advice video?

I thought I saw a border guard a creeping up on me.

Take off your belt and shoes, wrestle with your jacket until it turns inside out, tuck your shirt in, now you look silly. You cannot pass if you look silly.

OK, pass through and find your trays and put yourself back together in reverse order,

Overcoat reshuffle, pull up your trousers which have ended up south of the equator, wish you had velcro type grandad shoes again, struggle into your lace up boots with your backpack emptying contents on the floor.

The bears came over the mountain on the escalator, down the longest corridor ever.

Are we there yet? A little further little Ursa,

There’s a room for us, somewhere a room for us, take my paw and were halfway there, take my paw and I’ll take you there,

Do you have anything to declare?

I declare independence, a state of grace. I do declare. Well, I do declare Mr Bear, you are tonic.

I declare this shopping mall open, this hospital, this library.

I declare.

So, nothing to declare then. How do you explain this jumbo packet of biscuits hidden in the false bottom of your cul de sac?

You know that biscuits of this kind carry an import/ export tax.

Are you short of biscuits this side of the border? I think that it’s been planted there to get me into trouble, if I’d known it was there I would have eaten some, the broken ones at the end at least.

I’ll let you through this time, but if it happens again there will be handcuffs and barking dogs involved. Severe people in a side room with a Kafkaesque outlook on life will come into play.

As it stands, I will just need your social security number, health certificate with X-ray folder, driver’s license expiry date and shoe size. Children or bears under sixteen need not apply.

I’m afraid all those details were worn smooth by the eternal floods, said Ursula, We Bears only have the fur we stand in, a packet of illegal biscuits and an empty package of porridge.

So, clean slate, blank page. Do you have any marketable skills?

I can cook a mean bowl of porridge oats said Ursa Major, also tree climbing, salmon catch with one claw, burst out of the undergrowth, fancy growling, honey detection. and back scratching on convenient trees.

So, pauses over computer screen, salmon farm assistant, apiary executive or masseur, let us see. Ah yes, there is a vacancy on a salmon farm in Scotland. Two weeks holiday a year, plus bank and public holidays of course. There is free accommodation with outlook over the sea, shared use of the communal swimming pool and all the salmon you can eat. What do you think?

Sounds ideal, can we apply for citizenship and accumulate all the necessary paperwork and online digital presence?

One day, this may be possible, with time off for good behaviour and a following political wind, a reduction in hostile environment policy and an altogether kinder attitude.

We shall be kind, said Ursa Minor

I think he means the state, whispered Ursula.