Doctor, doctor, I have a terrible case of Influencer, Aaaachoo!
I can see that, said the doctor, Take this powder, dissolve it into water and drink it with the spoon still in the glass, so that the spoon swishes around and hits you on the nose when you tilt the glass.
Will that make me better?
No, but you will shrink to the size of a mouse and so your sneezes will be less annoying.
Also, you could also stop looking to the interweb for your opinions, it’s very contagious.
Will my influential powers be similarly reduced by this medicine? Asked the Influencer, It is important that I maintain my powers of persuasion and dubious profile, or I shall sink below the visibility threshold, and I shall have no influence at all. If I am not seen on screen, I do not exist! Here is an example of my work.
First, I am close up in your face, on a screen. Then I am far away, waving my arms and pointing.
Tell us, tell us, oh Influencer, should I buy this one or that one? Ask the screen people.
Take that one, I shout, this one is no good at all. I should know, I’m painted like a carousel horse and dance like a demented piglet.
Oh, said the impressionable punter, OK, if you say so.
I do say so, said the influencer, Aaachoo!
Are you sure that it is not just because it’s in your interest that I take that one instead of this one. Are you being paid to influence me? What is your rate? Do you take vouchers?
Oh no, it’s a taste thing, Achoo, said the influencer, searching for a handkerchief to rub his red nose day with. Just look at the gaudy colouring about my person and appreciate the wiggly moves that I have found. Surely you can tell that I am the one to believe. Follow me with your clicking, swiping, like-finger and I shall be famous. I mean, you will be satisfied, knowing that your taste in all things has aligned with mine.
Ok, so, let me get this in a straight line, you’re telling me that a suitcase covered in seaweed is more useful for fixing my car than a set of spanners?
Definitely.
See, that’s what I can do. It may not make any sense, it may in fact it may be untrue, but, but the quality of my influence is undeniable.
Next time you have influencer, don’t come crying to me about it, said the doctor. Just influence yourself better. By the way I see you have a tale to tell.
Yes, said the influencer, I am telling my tale to the grims at the side of the path upon the green verdure. It is part of the grammage process. I became a grim to travel to the Infatuated Fountain, there to inquire as to the morality of my calling.
I am an expert cosmetic surgeon, said the doctor. I can give you three options, first surgical, this would include a general anaesthetic and permanent removal of the story. Then there is cutting an aperture in your garments to allow the tale to be heard in all its glory. Lastly, if you would hide your tale under a bushel, you could cover it with a stylish cape or other trailing garment. A train for instance, or any available rolling stock.
Let it be seen in all its glory, said the Sphinx on hearing the tale told, A tale is a wonderful thing.
Not a tail, said Sheba, we are talking about a tale here.
Oh
The Influencer lay down by the side, his tail curled sympathetically about his paws. Closing one eye and orientating his ears, he dreamed of warm days and warmer stone walls to rest upon.
Is he a catlike creature? Asked the listening Sphinx, I am intrigued.
He was innately self-satisfied, which was very cat like I suppose, said Sheba recollecting her grammage experience, but his tail was in fact merely a tale.
Oh
The Guardians of the Cave 